


Ocean of Sorrow

by Aiambia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: #AngstNovember, 30-Day Challenge, Angst, Get ready to cry, M/M, Tumblr Challenge, Writing practice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-28 17:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8455942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aiambia/pseuds/Aiambia
Summary: The things that broke them apart, and why they couldn't be put back together.Written for #AngstNovember





	1. Day 1 - How Do I Live Without You?

**Author's Note:**

> Alright! This was/is being written for the [#AngstNovember](http://angst-and-tea.tumblr.com/post/151398463599/whos-ready-for-the-angst-angst-november-is-a) challenge on Tumblr. Really, it's just writing practice for me, but I thought I'd share it with you so we can cry together!
> 
> That's always fun, right?
> 
> For this challenge, my personal goals are:  
> \- Keep each chapter around 1000 words (at least 500, no more than 1500)  
> \- Use alternating styles (poetry, different points of view)  
> \- Express detail and emotion while keeping the story concise  
> \- Characterization
> 
> I'd love to hear comments from you about how I'm doing, or what you think I could do better.
> 
> Happy reading!

 

 

      When it was all said and done, Rey couldn’t believe she was still left standing. Walking around the resistance base and hearing soldiers and pilots talking about starting new lives instead of what they’d do if the First Order found them was surreal. She couldn’t even begin to express how happy she was to train with Luke without having to focus on the best ways not to get killed, or mess around with Finn and Poe without hoping it wouldn’t be the last time she saw their faces.

      Only one thing seemed to blemish her post-war perfection.

      Kylo Ren…or was it Ben, now?

      She saved him, or that’s what Luke told her. But, for someone supposedly saved, he walked around like corpse come back to life. As the weeks passed, she slowly saw the mask of Kylo Ren fall away and watched Ben take his place, but the process was slow, and sometimes Rey still didn’t trust him. Ben said he didn’t blame her. The words sounded like both a truth and a lie.

      Every day, they trained together, Luke hovering over them, watching their progress. Though he was no longer so trapped by the dark side, Ben was still powerful, besting Rey in many of their exercises. He refused to meditate with her, however.

      “I prefer to meditate alone,” he said. Another lie.

      Rey didn’t think much of it. She figured that he was still adjusting to being Ben again, still trying to figure out where he fit in among the people he once betrayed. She thought that until she saw him one day, meditating at their training grounds. Luke had wanted to speak with him, but had lost his Force presence.

      From the back, he looked normal, but as Rey drew closer she noticed that he wasn’t meditating so much as he was staring off into the distance. He didn’t stir as she approached, nor did seem to notice her. There was a tattered First Order great coat around him, just barely held up by his broad shoulders. Rey worried. Something about him seemed wrong. It was as if his body were still alive, but his soul had long since died.

      “Ben?” She called. He didn’t answer.

      “Ben,” She tried again. This time, Rey reached out for him through the Force, but she felt nothing. Though he sat right in front of her, it was as if he didn’t exist. Instead, she found a huge gaping hole, a blank space, nothingness where there should have been a person.

      “Ben!” She shook him, fearing that something terrible happened. Maybe Snoke wasn’t dead. Maybe he stole Ben’s life away, leaving only the body behind.

      “What?” He asked, noticing Rey for the first time.

      “You were…” Rey started. She couldn’t say it. Not when he still looked half-dead. “Luke, he wanted to speak with you.”

      “Oh. Thank you,” Then, he walked off without acknowledging what just happened. He did, however, wipe tears from his eyes that Rey hadn’t noticed before and pulled the coat tighter around his shoulders.

      She still couldn’t feel his Force presence. If she focused on it, she could feel the empty space moving, but as he got further and further away, it was smothered by everything else. In a panic, she reached out for her friends. She found Poe and Finn in the kitchens, Jessika in her room, Snap half-way across the planet racing x-wings with other pilots. They were all there, but Ben wasn’t. No wonder Luke couldn’t find him.

      From then on, Rey began to watch him. She never thought that anything he did was particularly interesting before, but now she saw how lifeless his every movement was. He ate only to keep himself alive; the same meal every day, breakfast, lunch and dinner. He sat by himself, away from all others, not because he didn’t fit in, but because he didn’t want to.

      Ben walked alone, not caring if he was taunted and mocked. He did nothing but eat, sleep, and train. Even then, it seemed like he did these things for the sake of doing them. And, sometimes – most of the time – he had that blank look on his face. It was like he wasn’t living, only existing.

      If there was one thing that always brought him back to life, it was that coat. He reached for it constantly, cared for it like a precious jewel, and snapped at anyone who tried to touch it. It was during those times that Rey could feel him, but just barely. What she did feel felt sad, broken. It terrified her.

      “General, I think something’s wrong,” she said to Leia one evening. “Ben…there’s something wrong with him.”

      Leia looked to her, but it seemed as though she already knew what she was talking about. As soon as Rey finished speaking, a sad smile spread across her face. “You’ve sensed it, then?”

      She led them to the dining hall, where the Resistance troops were laughing and joking loudly. “Tell me, what do you see?” She asked.

      “People,” Rey answered, confused, but Leia prompted her to continue. “My friends. I see light, and happiness, and life. They’re people happy to be together.”

      “Good,” Leia took her outside of the base, to a small patio connected to the dining hall. The sun had set, and the galaxy shone above them. Nearby, she saw Ben, sitting atop an x-wing with the great coat still draped over him. “Now what do you see when you look at Ben?”

      “Darkness,” Rey answered automatically. It was wrong, she knew. He was no longer Kylo Ren. She tried to look deeper, amend her answer. “Death, hopelessness, longing, pain.”

      Still, the words she chose were so dreary. Rey tried to think of something positive, but when she looked at him, she only felt pain.

      “There’s something more,” Leia told her. “Love.”

      Rey looked to Leia, confused. How could love exist in such an empty shell? He was so empty that Rey was beginning to doubt he was really alive. “I don’t understand.”

      “He was in love, and we took that love from him,” Leia explained. “I didn’t realize it at first, but I’ve felt his pain. I know exactly what he feels.”

      “Ben was in love?”

      “It was the General, Armitage Hux.”

      “But the Republic sentenced him to death.”

      “I know,” the sad smile fell from Leia’s face. “I felt it as soon as Hux drew his last breath. His presence disappeared, but so did Ben’s…Imagine what it would be like if Luke killed Finn and Poe in front of you.”

      Rey felt a deep pain in her chest at the thought. “That…I wouldn’t…” She couldn’t finish her sentence. They were her family, her life. She wouldn’t be able to live without them.

      “That’s what we did to him. Now, he’s trying to live without his other half. He’s a broken man, too sad to live but too weak to die.”

       “But, you’re fine!” she protested. Rey still couldn’t believe all of it was true. “Even though Han…you’re okay.”

      “Han wasn’t my life,” she said. “I had the Resistance to fall back on. You brought my brother back to me. I lost a part of myself, but I had so much more to live for. Ben lost everything. Hux was his love, his life, his reason to go on. At some point, Snoke became obsolete and it was only Hux.”

      “How do you know all of this?” Rey asked.

      “He came to me and begged me to spare Hux’s life. It was the first time in years that I talked to my son, and he was pleading for the life of another. He was crying, screaming for me to take his life instead, but he refused to use his power to make me do it,” As Leia spoke, Rey recalled that day. She remembered it well. Kylo Ren stormed into the Resistance base, and every person inside was terrified. They heard screams and shouts, but after an hour it was quiet. Ren walked out of General Organa’s office with bloodshot eyes and said nothing.

      “We defeated a monster that day,” Leia said. “But I also killed my son.”

      “But, there has to be some way to help him!” Rey’s mind raced. Ben was still alive. Luke said she saved him. They could help him. He could be happy again.

      Leia placed a hand on her shoulder. “Can you feel him?”

      “I – what? General, we can-“

      “Can you feel him?” Leia asked again.

      “…no,” Rey reached out and searched, but still Ben’s presence was gone from the Force.

 

      “Then it’s already too late.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought writing this from Rey's point of view would be interesting. I can easily imagine how Hux or Ren might feel without each other, but what does it look like from the outside? That's what I was aiming to capture here.


	2. Day 2 - Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It would be far kinder to let me forget.

 

 

      For Hux, cycles tended to fade into one another. Some may call him a work addict, workaholic even, but Hux preferred to think of himself as efficient. He didn’t bother wasting time on unnecessary things like eating three meals a day or sleeping for any more than three hours every two cycles. He couldn’t.

      It hurt too much to try.

      So, he went about the days creating and analyzing battle plans, directing cadets, checking up on First Order resource operations. He worked himself to the bone, and then kept going. The work was endless, and the stress often held his mind hostage, but it was well worth it. He only gave in to hunger when his vision grew blurry from lack of nourishment, only slept when he involuntarily passed out on his desk. He didn’t mind.

      The medical officers fretted over him, urged him to rest and eat. They said his concentration was suffering, and he’d die if this went on for too long. They said that the human body was not equipped to handle that kind of stress. He needed to eat. He needed to sleep.

      But Hux wouldn’t listen. He had too much work to do, too many things to take care of. Though, when he needed to take care of something on the training deck or debrief one of Ren’s missions, he made another officer do it. It may have been his job, but he couldn’t.

      It hurt too much to try.

      Hux blamed Ren. He blamed Ren’s devotion to his power. Everything would’ve been fine, but Ren refused to see it that way. Snoke told him to sever his attachments. Hux told him that was a load of bantha shit. Ren listened to Snoke. What happened after was a side effect of Ren’s decision.

      It didn’t matter to him. None of it did. All that mattered was that he worked, he got things done, and he didn’t think about everything that was.

      The last part was much harder than he wished it was.

      Every time he passed Ren, his heart cracked a little deeper. The few words they spoke to each other made him feel like he was being suffocated. When Ren turned away, he wanted to drown himself in his tears. Hux began muttering obscenities under his breath in a futile attempt to convince himself that he hated Ren. He didn’t. He couldn’t.

      It hurt too much to try.

      Hux just wanted the pain to stop. He hated that he felt so lost. He hated that even mentioning Ren’s name could make his throat tighten and his eyes water. He hated that he missed Ren.

      It wasn’t always like that. There was a time when they were kind to each other, when, in the secret of the darkness, they made love and promised to give each other the stars. They stole hours from their work to watch the stars and hold each other. They bickered, they laughed. It was warm and full and comfortable and love.

      It had to be love. Hux knew it was. It had to be love because what came after was too painful for it not to be. Suddenly, Ren was gone and Hux didn’t know what to do with himself. He hadn’t walked into his quarters for weeks, though his body longed for his bed. Every time he looked at the damn thing, he saw himself wrapped in Ren’s arms. Every time he tried to lay down, he missed the weight of Ren’s body on his. There were times when Hux tried to sleep anyway, desperate for his sanity as his body screamed at him from the inside, but it felt so wrong to sleep next to an empty space. It was like a part of him was missing, and he couldn’t sleep with that kind of pain.

      Hunger went away of its own accord. Hux didn’t even notice that he hadn’t been eating until he woke up in medbay with an IV in his arm. Apparently, Hux was dehydrated and starving after not eating or drinking anything for two days straight. They said he fainted on the bridge and almost fell on top of the officers in the command pits. It only made him think about what Ren would’ve told him.

      He would’ve said, “How can the First Order possibly be so strong when its General is so weak?”

      And Hux would’ve told him, “If my dedication is my weakness, then the Order is strong.”

      Ren would’ve yelled, and Hux would’ve fought. Then they would’ve ended up in Hux’s quarters, all hands and mouths but no clothes. His heart would’ve burst from Ren would’ve held him, kissed him.

      But Ren didn’t say those things. And though Hux stared at the door while he laid in his cot, he knew it was pointless to hope Ren would walk in and tell him how stupid he was. God, he wanted to hear Ren say those words. He wanted to hear Ren say anything other than “the Supreme Leader says.”

 

      Ren never walked in.

 

      Hux missed him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      Ren knew his heart betrayed him. He knew the Supreme Leader was right, and that attachments would only hold him back. In a few short years, he’s become the master of the Knights of Ren, the fiercest warrior for the Order. Ren has come too far to let anything hold him back now, even if it meant giving up the man he’s come to care for the most.

      For Ren, the part most painful wasn’t telling Hux that they had to stop. It wasn’t walking away, or distancing himself. Those things were easy, frighteningly so. No, the hardest part was watching Hux break because he tried so hard to pretend he didn’t care.

      They had both cared, a lot.

      He watched as Hux threw himself into his work, beat himself up over the smallest of things, refused to sleep, refused to eat, refused to so much as look at Ren. Still, Hux thought about him constantly. Ren could feel Hux’s sorrow through the Force like a thorn in his side. Maybe he didn’t have so much trouble letting go, but the memories were haunting Hux and that distracted Ren far more than it should have.

      So, he decided to be kind. Just one more time, Ren would be kind and give Hux what he wanted. He went to the medbay while Hux was asleep. Foolishly, the General pushed himself past his limits. Ren felt no urge to scold him for such carelessness. He didn’t let himself feel it.

      He left his helmet on the floor, deciding he wouldn’t need it for this. The soft noises stirred Hux, and he sat up as soon as their eyes met.

      “Lord Ren,” he said, trying his best to look professional despite his obvious physical and emotional pain.

      Ren sat on the bed and removed his gloves. Gently, he brushed a hand through Hux’s hair and trailed it down his face. He whispered, “You should be resting. How can the First Order be strong when its General refuses to recover?”

      A choked off sob escaped Hux, accompanied by a smile. “Well, whose fault is it for waking me?”

      “You’ll have to forgive me, then,” Ren didn’t know why he was stalling, but Hux helped him, cutting straight to the point.

      “I thought you said we had to stop this,” Hux whispered. His eyes searched Ren’s with heart-breaking hope.

      “I did. We do.”

      “Then why are you here?”

      “To apologize.”

      “For what?” Hux asked incredulously. Despite his tone, he clung to Ren, trying to keep them as close together as possible for as long as he could.

      “This,” Ren kissed him. Slow and tender, he let himself melt into it as he felt Hux do the same. He connected their minds, and let Hux feel all of the love that he’d been hiding away. One last time, he held Hux close. Ren could feel all of the hope within him, begging for Ren to take him back so they could hold each other like that forever.

      Savoring the feeling, Ren let it go on for a moment longer. Then, he moved his hand to the back of Hux’s head and closed it into a fist. He ripped every memory of their time together from Hux’s mind and replaced it with lies of hatred, disdain, and indifference. He changed every long night of loving each other into long nights of working alone, every kiss into a glare, every “I miss you” into “I wish you were dead.”

      The process ripped into both of them, tearing at their minds and scarring their hearts. When it was done, Hux passed out, exhausted, and Ren was soon to follow. This was far kinder, Ren thought, than leaving Hux to wallow in his heartbreak. Now, he’d only know Ren as a pest he couldn’t get rid of. Now, only Ren would remember how much they loved each other.

 

      Now only Ren would cry at night.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an idea I've been wanting to write about for a while: They have a bad break up and Ren takes away Hux's memories of their relationship so that he'll stop hurting. It tried to build up the tension a little and then make a sharp turn into the mind-wipe, but I'm not sure I pulled it off?
> 
> What do you think?


	3. Day 3 - When We Were Young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lyrical poem.

  
When I was young  
I dreamed I was old  
I dreamed I was king  
With an army of numbers untold  
I wished on the stars to be someone unbeatable, powerful, worshiped, adored, and bold

 

When I was young  
I dreamed I was king  
That’s what I was told

When I was young  
I dreamed I was old  
I dreamed I was free  
Of everything I was told  
I wished on the stars to be someone unbeatable, powerful, worshiped, adored, and whole

When I was young  
I dreamed I was free  
From what I was told

 

 

 

When I was young

When I was young

You stood before me, face to face

I saw a king

I saw a god

And I wished I could take your place

To be feared by the masses

He was loved and adored

So commanding but classless

His words were his sword

In front of me was everything

I wished I could be

When I was young

 

 

I

Hated you

Loathed you

Wanted you gone

I wished you would stop telling me I was wrong

 

You're trash

You're a menace

Just leave me alone

Stop fighting me when you know that I'm right, oh

I wish you were dead at my feet

On your knees

Begging for mercy and worshiping me

You're insufferable, terrible, weak, short-sighted, a tool, a child, a monstrous thing

 

And then I kissed you

Why did you kiss me?

Don't know why I kissed you

Why did you kiss me?

 

Then I was at your feet and on my knees

Begging for mercy and worshiping me

I kissed you again

I held you so close

And suddenly I didn't want to let go

 

I still

Hated you

Loathed you

Wanted you gone

I still wished you would stop telling me I was wrong

 

But also I

Loved you

Needed you

Wanted you here

Wished I could take away all of your fears

 

I'll make you a king

A God

Your name will be sung

I'll give you all you ever dreamed of

When you were young

On my honor

My heart

I'll give you my all

 

 

But I asked for too much

I wanted too much

I gave you everything

I gave you too much

 

I thought you betrayed me

I thought you hated me

It was only for a moment by that's all it took

My own two hands drove him away

The words I said, they dove him out

Now I am broken, and lost, and defeated, and all because I had one doubt:

 

Did you really love me?

What did you think of me?

 

 

Now I am old  
I wish I was young  
I became king  
And ruled an army of suns  
I was in love with someone unbeatable, powerful, ruthless, I called him my one 

Now I am old  
I wish I was young  
I wish

Now I am old  
I wish I was young  
I was a monster  
Feared and revered by everyone  
I was in love with someone unbeatable, powerful, ruthless, my moon, stars, and sun

 Now I am old  
I wish I was young  
I wish

I wish

I wish

I wish I could take it back

Go back to when we were young

And free

And dreamed of better things

 

 

 

When we were young

We dreamed we were old

We conquered the world

And then each other we’d hold

We were naive, overconfident, reckless, impatient, arrogant, angry, and bold

 

When we were young

We were in love

Now we are old

And love is lost

 

I wish we were young

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went for soft angst this time. This is technically supposed to be a song, but I don't really have the time to record the music, so it's just a free-verse poem. The idea here was to have them reflect on what they had when they were young and realize that they took it for granted. It's not supposed to be so heartbreaking, rather it should leave you with a feeling of "...oh...oh no...." It's a song that you sing in tears while trying to smile your way through the pain if that makes sense.


	4. Day 4 - Loving Each Other, But Not at the Same Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you."
> 
> "I know."

 

_There was a time when I loved you._

 

      Ren was a cruel man. He killed, he slaughtered, he reigned terror down on those his master condemned to die. Above all else, he was a warrior dedicated to his cause, his master, and his power. Nothing in the galaxy could make him fall from the path to strength. Nothing but Hux.

      Hux was a cruel man, but it ways that Ren only dreamed of. Ren was violent and fiery, like a volcano seconds away from erupting. He fought with chaotic savagery, tearing down anything and everything in his way until he got what he wanted. Hux, then, was cold and calloused. He fought with careful deception and ruthless efficiency, destroying entire systems with just a few words.

      Ren thought he was beautiful.

 

_I would’ve given you the world, had you asked for it._

 

      Anything. Ren would have given him anything, and it haunted him. He worked so hard for his power and would give his life for his master but found himself weak to Hux’s every whim. If Hux wanted Ren to delay his mission, Ren delayed it. If Hux asked Ren to take care of his disobedient officers, Ren made sure they learned their lesson. When Hux told Ren to come to bed, Ren went, without hesitation.

      It felt wrong. It felt like Ren was betraying his master. He knew everything he did for Hux was like taking one step backward in his training, but the look in Hux’s eyes when Ren did something he approved of made him question if that was true.

      Hux liked to call him a child for being so easily controlled by his emotions. Hux thought he was reckless and immature. Ren knew it was true, but he didn’t care. His heart felt so full when Hux screamed his name. He felt so drunk when Hux’s nails raked down his back. It felt so right to lay with Hux curled up in his arms.

      “I love you,” Ren said, never wanting to let him go.

      “I know,” Hux said, already falling asleep.

_But you wanted me gone. You wanted me to leave you alone._

      Ren didn’t understand. He saw, he heard, he felt, but he didn’t understand.

      He saw, he watched as Hux walked off with officer after officer. They went to his quarters, they went to his office, they went everywhere that Ren had been with him. He saw Hux with all of them, saw as he took them apart, watched as they used Hux as they pleased.

      He heard, he listened to Hux scream names that were not his own. The voices echoed in his head even when Hux stood before him on the bridge, fully dressed. He heard hearts racing and lungs out of breath. He listened to Hux tell them things he should’ve said to Ren.

      He felt, he _hurt_ when Hux laid beside them and was just as content as he had been with Ren beside him. It didn’t matter who warmed his bed, so long as Hux got what he wanted. He felt Hux peak and fall. His heart hurt when Hux began to look at other officers the way he once looked at Ren.

      “Hux…But I….” Ren whispered.

      “I told you ‘I know,’ not ‘I love you, too.’ It’s sex, Ren. Maybe a quick fuck is all it takes for you to be blinded by love, but I am not so naïve.”

 

_And now, you want me to love you again? No._

 

      Starkiller was quiet without Ren around. It always was. After living on the Finalizer for so long, Hux had become accustomed to his furious screams echoing through the ship. Even around the noisy construction and the roar of the power generators it still felt too quiet. Hux tried many times to convince Ren to visit the base, tempting him with banal things like training in the snow or reporting back to the Supreme Leader about Hux’s progress. Ren always said he was too busy. Hux’s heart sunk every time Ren told him ‘no.’

      He didn’t quite understand why, however. He saw, he heard, he felt, but he didn’t understand.

      He saw, he watched as his men worked tirelessly around the icy planet. He thought about how much Ren would love it there. It was big and open, perfect for his training. Hux could put together exercises for him and test his skill as the Knight so often loves to do. He saw his men and knew someone was missing. He watched the days go by alone.

      He heard, he listened to the mindless chatter of officers during progress meetings and thought about how dull they sounded. Ren’s voice was always so emotional that everyone else sounded lifeless in comparison. He heard the officers talk and thought a voice was missing. He heard traitors curse at him and wished it was Ren instead.

      He felt, he _hurt_ every time Ren passed him on the Finalizer without a word. Hux remembered how, not even a year ago, Ren would greet him in some pompous tone and run his hand through Hux’s hair as they passed each other if he felt like being particularly annoying. Now, he didn’t even acknowledge that Hux was alive. He felt like there was a hole in his chest and knew that he put it there. His heart hurt and Hux just wanted it to stop.

      He just didn’t understand why.

 

_You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to say that to me after you tried so hard to push me away. You’re not allowed to ask of me after making me suffer for so long._

 

      “I love you,” Hux said.

      They stood in an empty hall of the Finalizer, Hux on his way to the shuttle bay and Ren heading toward the bridge. Ren stopped, mid-step. Hux should’ve waited, should’ve told Ren later after he had time to plan what he was going to say, but then Ren was in front of him and Hux just blurted it out.

      “…I know,” Ren said. He kept walking.

      Hux was left alone in the long in that hallway, watching Ren walk away. His heart collapsed in on itself, then, but he still forced himself on. He still traveled down to Starkiller. He still gave his speech and watched as the weapon fired into the sky. The whole time, his eyes were drawn to the sky. Not to the stars that the weapon would destroy, but to the Finalizer where Ren was. He should’ve been there on that platform with Hux.

      But he wasn’t.

 

_I gave you what you wanted. If you really loved me you’d give me what I want too._

 

      Hux knew he messed up. He knew he deserved punishment and pain, but the Supreme Leader decided to be merciful. Hux knew the Supreme Leader was merciful because Kylo Ren was not. Having to look at Ren’s bloodied body and worry, having to watch Ren leave the Finalizer, possibly for good, that was enough of a punishment.

      Watching him walk away was worse that Starkiller being destroyed, worse than his father’s funeral, worse than being torn from his mother’s arms, but Hux forced himself to watch. He counted every step as Ren boarded his command shuttle. He watched as Ren strode off with heavy, powerful steps. He stood back when an officer offended Ren and Ren killed them with no more than a flick of his wrist. Hux was entranced.

      Hux was a weak man. He dreamed of being emperor, but he took orders from a half-dead alien. His position was hard earned but also handed to him by his father. He was a coward who couldn’t even apologize for how he wronged Ren. Whereas Ren was so powerful. He could kill by just thinking about it. He demanded without reason and was obeyed without question.

      Hux thought he was beautiful.

      He wished he hadn’t been so stupid.

 

_Go away. Leave me alone._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Insert obligatory "I love you" "I know" quotes here*
> 
> I actually saw this idea floating around on tumblr, but I don't remember who from. If you recognize it, tell me and I'll put in a link to their post. The idea was that Hux and Ren were in a relationship but had a bad break up right before the events of TFA. That explains why Hux's face seems so....non-agressive when they talk. He's trying to apologize to Ren (sort of) but Ren's not having it. I twisted it a bit so that it was one-sided at the beginning, but I think it still works. 
> 
> I really like this one, and I hope you do too!


	5. Day 5 - Missing You (When You Were Here)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So close, yet so far.

 

 

      Ben hated the smell of hospitals. It smelled too clean. Idly, he sneered in disgust as he walked past the waiting room of the pediatric ward. The sad families, the worried parents; it was all exhausting, but Ben merely rolled his eyes knowing that Armitage would be out of there soon, and then neither of them would ever have to step foot in a hospital again.

      The passing nurses glanced at him, but otherwise dismissed him as just another visitor. They all knew he isn’t. Ben had been visiting that hospital every day since Armitage was admitted, and once he was moved to isolation, Ben started to stay past visiting hours. He shouldn’t have been allowed to, but the nurses weren’t about to tell the hospital director’s son “no.”

      He sped up just a little as he neared Armitage’s room. He didn’t like looking into all the other rooms. The children were always so depressing to look at, hooked up to machines and lying motionless in bed like they were already dead. Ben hated it.

      Armitage’s room came into view as he rounded the corner. It was a little ways off from the rest of the rooms, marked by a large window acting as a wall with a small sitting area in front of it for visitors. Armitage sat on his bed, reading a magazine.

      “You’re here, _again_?” Armitage asked without looking up.

      Ben’s face brightened as soon as he saw Armitage. The rest of the hospital was all but forgotten as he pressed himself to the glass. “Armie!”

      “Are you ever going to stop calling me that?” Armitage groaned. He hopped off the bed and went to greet Ben.

      “Only when you agree to call me ‘Kylo Ren,’” Ben smiled and leaned his forehead against the glass.

      “So I either get to suffer through being called my atrocious first name, or have to call you ‘Kylo Ren?’ I’ll suffer, thanks.”

      “It’s not _that_ bad of a name.”

      “Yes, it is. It makes you sound like some sort of monk-warrior.”

      “But that’s cool!”

      Armitage rolled his eyes. “If you say so.”

      “Armie!” Ben pouted. Armitage pointedly did not look at him while he pouted. He’d only end up giving in to Ben’s stupid request if he did.

      “So, I assume school was _marvelous_ ,” Armitage changed the subject, shuffling through his homework.

      “Totally,” Ben returned his sarcasm. “Dameron actually manage to out-run Phasma today. I think Rey had something to do with it.”

      “Ugh, I don’t need to hear about your cousin’s sex life, thank you very much,” Armitage said, sitting on the floor. Ben followed suit, but laid down instead.

      “Ben, that’s dirty,” Armitage scolded.

      Ben grinned at him and stuck a pose. “It’s a clean room, Armie. Nothing is dirty. I could lick the toilet and be fine.”

      “Yes, but you’re not _in_ the clean room. Everything on your side is still filthy.”

      “Come on, it’s a hospital! How bad could it be?“

      “Very.”

      “Well, then let’s find out.”

      “Ben, don’t you da-“ Armitage cut himself off as Ben licked the window.

      “I hate you.”

      “Love you too, Armie!”

      Hours passed by, but the two teens never noticed. They talked, watched television, and read together until long after the sun set. All the while, Armitage kept rolling his eyes and Ben kept laughing. Once in a while, they’d get into some loud disagreement, but the nurses learned to ignore it. It always ended with one of them laughing until they cried and the other making weird faces. Even after visiting hours ended and it neared midnight, they still sat up together, in the same spots, enjoying each other’s company.

      “Ben, you should go,” Armitage whispered when Ben started nodding off in the middle of watching The Avengers.

      “What? No, it’s fine,” Ben yawned and stretched. “Tomorrow’s Saturday, so I don’t need to be home yet.”

      “But you’re tired,” Armitage said, pressing his hand against the glass. His eyes searched for Ben’s who reluctantly looked back.

      “I don’t want to,” Ben whispered.

      “Ben,” Armitage warned. Ben was definitely tired, but he wanted to stay there with Armitage more than he wanted to sleep. “It’s fine. Just a few more days. I’m better now. They’re just keeping me for observation. You know that.”

      Ben didn’t answer. He looked down at his hands instead and leaned his shoulder against the glass.

      “I can survive without you for a few hours. I don’t need you around me twenty-four-seven.”

      “But what if I need you?”

      His voice was quiet, hesitant, and Armitage was taken aback. This wasn’t a side of Ben he saw often, but he’s seen it enough times to know that he hated it. He especially hated being stuck behind that glass wall and not being able to do anything about it.

      “What if you’re discharged and you get sick again?” Ben whispered. “You could die, and it’ll be my fault.”

      “Ben, it’s not-“

      “Yes it is!” he shouted, still not looking at Armitage. “I had the flu and I kissed you anyway, even though I knew you’d get sick. Now you’re here because of me!”

      “No, I’m not. You had no way of knowing about my weak immune system or that I’d develop tuberculosis too. It’s not your fault,” Armitage told him. His heart clenched when he heard sniffles and watched Ben turn away from him. He knew Ben was crying, and he knew Ben didn’t want him to see that either.

      “Ben, don’t cry.”

      “I’m not crying.”

      “Then why do you keep sniffling?”

      “Because…allergies.”

      “Oh yes, allergens in a hospital. And so close to an isolation room, too. Such a plausible answer. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of it myself. Maybe being in here has kept me from catching the moron virus,” Armitage smiled as he heard Ben chuckle at his sass.

      “Shut up,” Ben turned around with a sad smile on his face and pressed his forehead to the glass. “I miss you.”

      His words sounded so broken and pained. Armitage tried not to let it get to him, but he knew they both felt the same. They were so close together, yet so far apart. Even though he’d be let out of the hospital soon, it still felt like they were waiting for an eternity.

      “I’m right here,” Armitage whispered, pressing his forehead to the glass as well.

      “But, I can’t hold you,” Ben said. “I can’t kiss you. I can’t feel you.”

      “I know. I miss you too,” Armitage put his hand up to the glass, and Ben did the same. It was cold, instead of warm like Ben’s skin would’ve been. He hated it. “When I get out, we’ll have a day to ourselves. Watch a movie, eat dinner, lounge around; It’ll be just us.”

      “Are you asking me out on a date?” Ben teased, still wiping tears from his eyes. “You like me. You _like_ like me.”

      “We’re dating, you idiot. Liking you is a requirement.”

      “Good. Because I like you too,” Ben smiled then, and Armitage laughed.

      He didn’t bother asking Ben to go home again. “Good.”

 

 

      In the morning, Leia walked by the room. Ben hadn’t come home last night, so she knew he’d be there in the hospital. She smiled when she saw him and Armitage asleep on the floor. Their bodies were pressed against the glass, huddled as close together as possible despite the wall between them.

      She decided to let them have a few more hours together and left. Given that Ben was still there, she knew that Hux hadn’t told him yet. She debated how long it would be until Hux decided to tell Ben about his failing lungs. Knowing them, he may not say anything until it’s too late. Leia sighed, wondering if it already was.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I sort of cheated on this one? Now that I re-read the prompt, I don't think I did it right, but they're still missing each other. I don't know, I took it more as "missing you while you are here" but it still works, right? Technically, this is a hospital/medical/high school AU, but it feels more like it should be a k-drama AU. Beware the mysterious illnesses! It's a pretty stereotypical theme, but I like it.


	6. Day 6 - I Once Loved You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ripped from a tumblr post...

 

 

_April 11, 2016_

**[11:42 PM] 1-202-xxx-xxxx:** To here.

Hux stared down at his phone, confused. He recognized the phone number, but why would _he_ be texting Hux after all this time? It’s been months. Is he _still_ hung up over Hux?

Millie meowed up at him, questioning why he stopped brushing her, and Hux put his phone down. The text was probably just another prank. There was no use worrying about it now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_August 23, 2016_

 

“Hon, dinner’s ready” Dopheld called from the kitchen.

“Alright, I’m almost finished here,” Hux called back. He sat at his computer, attention split between furniture shopping and clearing space on his hard drive.

They were moving in together. Hux and Dopheld had only been together for six months, but they decided it was the best idea for their relationship and Hux’s job. Moving into Dopheld’s house meant that Hux was closer to his office and that they didn’t have to plan dates around each other’s schedules. It felt a little soon, but Hux was more than happy with Dopheld and was sure he’d adjust quickly.

Hux was determined to find something nice for his boyfriend as a thank-you, even though Dopheld already told him he didn’t need to. At the same time, he sorted through his PC’s files, trying to clean up the digital mess that he hadn’t touched in years. Hux was never very tech-savvy, so he usually didn’t bother, but with the big move coming up, he felt like he needed somewhat of a clean slate.

Most of the files were records and work-related things. All documents that he could put in a zip file and forget about. Some of them, however, he had a harder time deciding whether or not he wanted to keep. Most of those files were old family photos. He didn’t care very much for those of his father, step-mother, or half-siblings. None of them ever really liked him, and he didn’t care for them either. The old videos of himself with his birth-mother were keepsakes, never to be erased, but putting them in a zip file wouldn’t be a crime. The pictures of himself and Dopheld mad Hux too brightly for him to pack them away, so he left those alone. That just left…

All the memories of Ben.

A lump stuck itself in Hux’s throat when he came across those photos. They’d dated for so long and it ended so suddenly. Hux should’ve just deleted the whole folder, but he clicked on the first photo instead. The old feelings came rushing back to him, but not like he remembered. It was still love, but it was old and stale.

He clicked through the pictures, starting with the newest ones. The first were pictures of their fifth anniversary. They went to Disney world because Ben was an over grown child and Hux was too in love to tell him no. Hux moved on from those quickly because they were the most painful. It was the last time they were happy together. After that, it all started to fall apart.

Next was the Skywalker family Christmas party. Hux hated going to big parties, but Ben convinced him to go to his family’s Christmas gathering. It was the first time he met Ben’s parents. He remembered how ecstatic they were, how embarrassed Ben was, and how reluctantly he kissed Ben under the mistletoe (even though he secretly loved it.)

Then came the motorcycle pictures. Ben was so damn proud of that motorcycle that he made Hux pose with it. Hux thought it was a dangerous toy, and he was always scared that Ben would die while riding it, but he also loved riding on the back of it and holding Ben tight as they flew down the high way at night.

Finally, Hux came across some of the fondest memories: high school. That was where they first met. Being the stubborn idiots that they were, they didn’t start dating until senior year, but the number of pictures they had together spanned all four years. There was graduation, prom, homecoming, Ben’s band concerts, Hux’s debate competitions, their ROTC competitions. Hux remembered all of it. He remembered how happy they were.

Suddenly curious, he pulled out his phone and started going through Ben’s Instagram. They weren’t following each other anymore, but Ben never bothered to keep his accounts private. Hux didn’t recognize any of the photos. Part of him was sad, that Ben would delete their memories, but another part of him knew it was rational. Why would he bother to keep anything of theirs after what happened?

There was something off about the photos, however. The earlier ones looked so dull and gloomy. Even in the pictures where he smiled, Ben still looked like a shell of a man. He looked broken and lost and dead. Then, suddenly he began to look more lively. Slowly, that empty, fake smile turned into a look of pure joy. Ben posed with people Hux has never seen out at clubs, on hiking trails, and at parties. Hux didn’t recognize the person Ben had become.

The latest picture, however, is what bothered him the most. It was a picture of two screenshotted text messages with the caption “This story begins with ‘I hate your guts’ and ends with ‘I once loved you.’ The End.” Hux recognized those messages. They were messages sent to him.

In a panic, Hux opened up his texts and found Ben’s most recent conversation that he (thankfully) hadn’t deleted. It was the single text that said: “To here.” Hux hadn’t understood when he received the text, but now that it was on Ben’s Instagram alongside the other text, he knew what Ben was trying to say.

Hux felt his heart break into pieces, though he knew he no longer had a right to feel that way. It felt like Ben betrayed him, somehow, though he knew it shouldn’t have mattered. Their love was gone and Hux had Dopheld now, but tears still welled up in his eyes. He couldn’t believe that he didn’t understand it sooner. Now that he did, it hurt more than he could ever imagine.

“Armitage? Hey, are you alright?” Dopheld walked into Hux’s bedroom and grew concerned as soon as he saw the tears.

“I-I’m fine. It’s nothing,” Hux blinked the tears from his eyes and hastily deleted the folder of pictures from his and Ben’s relationship before Dopheld could see them.

It hurt like hell, but Hux knew it wouldn’t be for long. Theirs was a love long past, and this pain would pass soon too.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_January 23, 2011_

**[12:00 AM] Ben:** Happy half year!

 **[12:07 AM] Armie:** It’s midnight. Why are you texting me?

 **[12:07 AM] Armie:** And what do you mean ‘happy half year?’

 **[12:08 AM] Ben:** ITS R HALF-YEAR ANAVERSERY!!!! DID U FERGET?!?!

 **[12:08 AM] Armie:** what

 **[12:08 AM]** **Ben:** We started dating on aug 23 2010 its now jan 23 2011 its been half aa year since we started dating

 **[12:10 AM] Armie:** …Why can’t you just celebrate normal anniversaries like the rest of the world?

 **[12:10 AM] Ben:** ey, at least i didnt go 4 the one wk and one month too

 **[12:11 AM] Ben:** coulda been worse

 **[12:13 AM] Armie:** Oh yes, I’m so thankful. My boyfriend is so considerate. He clearly loves me.

 **[12:14 AM]** **Ben:** u bet I do ;) <3

 **[12:14 AM]** **Armie:** And just how much do you love me?

 **[12:18 AM] Ben:** From here.

 **[12:21 AM]** **Armie:** what

 **[12:35 AM]** **Armie:** Ben, what do you mean ‘From here?’

 **[12:35 AM]** **Armie:** That doesn’t make any sense.

 **[12:36 AM]** **Ben:** thats k doesnt have to

 **[12:36 AM]** **Armie:** Ben

 **[1:03 AM]** **Armie:** Ben, tell me what it means.

 **[1:04 AM] Ben:** Happy half-year babe

 **[1:04 AM] Ben:** I luv u  <33333333

 **[1:05 AM] Armie:** Damn it, Ben. Tell me what that means!

 **[1:17 AM] Armie:** Ben, please?

 **[7:42 AM] Armie:** Ben, answer me.

 **[12:54 PM] Armie:** Happy half-year

 **[12:57 PM]** **Ben:** <3

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based on another tumblr post I saw. 
> 
> The story goes that this girl's boyfriend asked her "how much to do you love me?" She told him "From here." He didn't get it.  
> After three years of dating, they break up. A few months later, she sends him a text that says "To here."  
> He still didn't get it.
> 
> I don't have the link to the post, but that's basically what it said.
> 
> This story is continued on Day 10!


	7. Day 7 - Indecision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choose your fate before the world decides for you.

 

 

      Shrouded in darkness, there was only the Force. It surrounded Ren, cared for him through his pain and promised to mend what had been broken, fix the damage done and balance his body once more. Then, from the darkness came a voice.

_“Kylo Ren, you have done well,”_ it said.

      The voice sounded deep and powerful, but old. It belonged to a being long past its prime, one that should have been no more of a threat than a baby mynock. Ren, however, gave it his full attention. Loyalty, trust, hope, guidance; all these things he entrusted long ago to this creature called Snoke.

      “Thank you, Supreme Leader. May I return to you?” Ren replied, calmed by his master’s voice.

_“Not yet,”_ Snoke told him. _“Your task is not yet complete.”_

      Confusion surrounded Ren. He’d done as his master instructed. He killed the father of that weak, foolish boy once known as “Ben Solo.” It severed many attachments all in one go. What more must be done?

_“Your attachments linger,”_ Snoke answered without Ren needing to ask. He knew Ren’s thoughts as he knew his own.

      “Master, Han Solo is dead. That’s what you instructed-”

_“Do you question me, Kylo Ren?”_ Snoke’s voice bellowed.

      Ren quieted his own words, submitting himself to his master’s will. “No, master. You know all there is, was, and will be of our galaxy and beyond.”

_“However...”_

      “What have I not done?”

_“General Hux. I have seen your fondness of him.”_

      Horror filled Ren as his master spoke. He knew what Snoke was going to ask of him. Suddenly, killing Solo seemed as insignificant as squashing a bug. It was only preparation, Ren realized, for his true test of allegiance.

_“It was of no trouble in the past, but your training must be completed. Any attachment, but that of your loyalty to me, will endanger you. He is a valuable asset that you need not kill, but do what you must.”_

      In a rush of sensation, Ren suddenly felt everything. Agony burned across his face, metal groaned underneath his body, panicked screaming echoed in his ears; As Ren struggled to understand his surroundings, only Snoke’s words occupied his mind. Pain filled him, but not from his physical wounds. Just knowing that he needed to erase Hux from his life crushed him.

      Snoke’s words were a taunt. They both knew his feelings towards the General extended far beyond “fondness.” What’s worse, he was given an option. There was more than one way to sever connections, but killing was the easiest. Snoke says forgetting is the most effective.

      Though Kylo Ren will deny that Ben Solo still lives, Snoke knows a man cannot die until he is forgotten by the universe. Killing Han Solo erased a part of Ben, but it also hurt the boy’s mother. In this way, Ren forced her to remember that her son was dead and only Kylo Ren lived. It diminished the memory of the boy, distancing Ren’s connection from Ben, Solo, and Organa.

      He could do the same to Hux, so Snoke said. It would not be as simple as killing someone Hux loved, rather Ren could make Hux hate him. He could turn Hux’s feelings into hate and make him forget any sort of love that he harbored. That would hurt Ren, make him hate Hux as well. Then, his attachment would disappear.

      Sleep crept up on Ren, as he struggled to make sense of his options. The screaming still echoed, the metal still groaned, his face still burned, but then he was encased in darkness once more. There was only darkness and the Force.

 

* * *

 

 

      When Ren woke again, he was in the medbay onboard the Finalizer. Terror no longer surrounded him outwardly, but it still held on to his heart. The first thought in his conscious mind was that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t possibly kill Hux or turn Hux against him. Han Solo’s death was a necessity, something Ren welcomed, but Hux…Hux was his passion, his desire, his emotion, his love; after years of only having each other, Ren didn’t know if he could live without him.

      “Well, you certainly gave us a scare,” a voice said from Ren’s bedside. It was the only thing he heard, aside from the steady beeping of droids and medical monitors. There was no one in the room but them.

      He didn’t look. He couldn’t. He knew it was Hux, and he knew Hux was watching him with those same eyes. If not for his eyes, Ren would’ve thought Hux hated him. He couldn’t bear to look, but he did.

      “I’m sorry,” Ren whispered.

      What else could he have said, to a man he was supposed to kill? It would be simple, even then, to snap Hux’s neck and get it over with. Ren could do it very easily, and no one would question his action, not when it meant risking their own lives as well.

      “Save your apologies for the crew members you killed,” There was scorn in his words but amusement in his voice. It wasn’t every day that someone as powerful as Ren apologized. “What I want to know is what happened to you.”

      The words were too much. To an outsider, it sounded like a commanding officer badgering a subordinate for a report. To Ren, it was “I was worried,” “are you okay?” “Why didn’t you contact me? I could’ve helped.” Maybe it would be better to make Hux hate him. Then, he wouldn’t have to hear those words and know how much Hux cared. He’d hear hatred instead, and hatred was much easier to handle than love.

      “I…There…” Ren was too weak to speak for long. Instead, he gathered what strength he had and showed Hux images through the Force: Han Solo, the Scavenger in the snow, the traitor that caused Starkiller’s destruction. As Hux processed everything, Ren watched the look in his eyes shift from concern to anger. “I’m sorry.”

      “So, Phasma was right then. Changes will be made accordingly, and we will keep a look out for that girl. She’ll receive no mercy for doing this to you,” A hand traced down Ren’s face, nearing where the Scavenger cut his face.

      The anger Ren felt was only for those who hurt him, and Ren thought it would’ve been better if the anger was for him. There were so many things that he could’ve done better, but Hux only cared that he was alright.

      Maybe Ren could forgo his master and his training. Maybe Hux’s love was all he needed. They could run away, into the unknown regions, far away from anyone’s grasp. It would be a simple thing. The First Order didn’t have the resources to send out search parties even for their prized general, and even Snoke’s great power had its limits. If they went far enough away, it could just be them.

      “Don’t do that again,” Hux said. Once more his words were harsh, but his voice was pleading. He reached down and took Ren’s hand, holding it tight. “Let me help you next time. Whatever you need, just ask.”

      Ren looked up into Hux’s eyes and saw his world. He saw everything they were and everything they could be. There was trust, hope, loyalty, everything he promised to Snoke, but there was also love. Ren was so in love with Hux and he knew that he needed to sever that attachment if he wanted to keep his power, but he didn’t know if he could. He didn’t know if he wanted to.

      “Then help me,” Ren whispered, holding Hux’s hand tight. “I know what I need to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?”

      The words were no more than cheap trick when he first spoke them to Han Solo, but now that they were for Hux, it made him nervous.

      “Yes, anything,” Hux replied. Ren thought bitterly of how Han Solo said the same thing. How ironic that these words surround him a second time so soon. It must’ve been the Force’s way of balancing his world.

      Pulling Hux closer to him, Ren reached up to cup his face. He made his decision. He knew the one thing he couldn’t live without, and he’d take it no matter how hard it would be to get it.

 

      “I’m sorry.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's Ren apologizing for? Is he saying sorry to Hux because he's about to kill him? Is he saying sorry to Hux because he's about to break Hux's heart? Maybe he's apologizing to Snoke because he's about to betray Snoke and run away with Hux?  
> Who knows?  
> Not me!  
> #IndecisionDoneRight  
> ...Sort of...
> 
> Anyway, I think this one is a little messy, but the life of a college student leaves little time for writing trash. Surprisingly, writing fics helps with writing essays (in my experience), so even if I'm losing sleep, I'm still being productive by honing my skills? idk? I get essays done quickly, that's for sure. 
> 
> Stay in school kids!


	8. Day 8 - Visions/Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roses are Red....

 

Red.

 

Ben Solo always dreamt in red.

 

      Every night, he had the same dream. Someone, he didn’t know who, but someone with red hair stood just out of reach. Ben tried calling out, but they couldn’t hear him. Eventually Ben gave up, and then he woke up. After so many nights of seeing this red-haired person, Ben began to wonder. Who were they? What were they like? Were they nice? Would they be Ben’s friend?

      He came to enjoy those dreams, often falling asleep while his uncle taught him and the other padawans just so that he could see that red hair. Leia scolded him, Han rolled his eyes, but most interesting of all, Luke told him to go back to sleep. Well, not sleep, but it may as well have been that.

      “Meditate,” Luke said. “and concentrate on this red-haired person.”

      So, Ben did, and he saw so much more than just red. There were pinks and oranges and purple too. He saw that the red-haired person was a red-haired boy with pink freckles, an orange cat, and…purple bruises down his arms and legs.

      Ben called out to him, but the boy didn’t reply, didn’t move. Louder and louder Ben called out, reaching for the boy, trying to help him. He grew afraid for the boy, and panicked though the boy remained calm. Heart racing, Ben screamed once more and suddenly he was back inside his uncle’s school.

      They worried about him after that. Luke told him not to think about the boy. Leia told him to think about something else. Han rolled his eyes.

      Ben was ten, only beginning to learn the way of things. Naturally, he didn’t do what any of them said. Instead, he meditated alone, always trying to find the boy.

 

* * *

 

 

      One day, the boy with red hair reached out to him. The boy tilted his head, reached out to touch Ben, but his hand passed right through Ben’s body. Ben stepped back and watched as the boy picked up his cat and cradled it gently. He spoke softly to it, and the cat meowed back understanding every word.

      Ben had learned so much about the boy since he began to see his dreams more clearly, but this was so new. He stood in awe of the pair, feeling light and happy as the boy smiled at his pet, and held it close. Through his meditation, he saw the boy many times. Ben could recognize every freckle on his face, and every strand of hair on his head, but this was new.

      He’d never seen the boy move before. He’d never seen such green eyes before. He’d never seen such a beautiful smile before. Ben was only fifteen, but if this boy really existed he’d fly across the galaxy just to get to him.

      He didn’t tell Luke or Leia or Han, but somehow they all still knew. Leia lectured him for not following his master’s instructions, Luke warned him of the dangers of dreams. Han smiled.

 

* * *

 

 

      “No one believes me. I don’t know what to do anymore…” Ben told the boy with red hair everything now. When he felt broken and lost, he turned to meditation, to the boy. When his parents fought or the darkness crept up on his heart, he trusted the boy to keep his secrets. Ben never received a reply, but it was comforting nevertheless.

      They sat only a few feet away from each other, the boy idly playing with his cat and Ben trying to ignore the nightmares that plagued him. Ben wished he could reach out and touch the boy. It would bring him comfort, he was sure, but every time he tried, his hand passed through the boy’s body.

      But not the cat’s.

      The orange cat suddenly looked at Ben and jumped into his lap. Startled, Ben froze, not wanting to do anything to upset the creature. It looked up at him and Ben looked back. Then it meowed, apparently having decided that Ben was a good person and turned over on its back to ask for belly-rubs. It was hard to believe that the cat, of all things, saw him, but Ben readily complied to the feline’s request.

      “Who are you?!” Ben heard shout at him.

      It was the boy.

      Ben almost forgot how to speak, he was so overcome with joy. He looked back and forth between the boy and his cat for a moment, unable to gather his words. Then, carefully he spoke.

      “I…my name is Ben. What’s yours?”

      Ben was seventeen, and darkness was eating at his heart. They talked all night.

 

* * *

 

      He dreamt in black and white.

 

      Kylo Ren saw no color in his dreams, nor when he meditated with his master. Everything was dull, but he preferred it that way. Without color to distract him, Ren could focus on what truly mattered.

      It was not so dull, however, the day he boarded the Finalizer. His master told him to use the crew, befriend the First Order, and make allies. Ren thought it was a waste of time, but he dared not question his master’s teachings.

      The moment he stepped off of his shuttle, Ren saw black and white…and red. From the corner of his eye, Ren saw red hair and was transfixed. The general of the vessel greeted him, introduced himself as General Armitage Hux. Ren couldn’t tear his eyes away.

      From then on, Kylo Ren dreamt in color. He was twenty-five, and Hux was thirty.

 

 

* * *

  

      Ren’s dreams were more vivid than they’d been in his entire life. He could see Hux’s red hair, his pink cheeks, his orange freckles, the yellow rank stripes on his uniform, his green eyes, the twinge of blue in those green eyes, and the purple bruises that Ren left on his neck. It was no longer just a dream, and Ren hoped it would never end.

      Even as he lay unconscious, beaten and bloodied by a mere scavenger girl, all he saw was color and Hux. Ren was twenty-nine. Hux was thirty-four. Ren hoped it would never stop.

 

* * *

 

 

      Red.

      This dream was all in red. Ren could see no color but, and it clouded his vision so heavily that he thought he was blind. Red on the walls, on the floors, on the bed. Red on the desk, on the door, on his hands.

      Ren awoke with a start, breathing heavily and trying to calm his racing heart. However, he saw not red, but black. All was dark, and from what little he could see without light, nothing was red but the hair on Hux’s head.

      He scolded himself for being anxious over nothing. It was only a dream. It couldn’t come true. Ren laid down and pulled Hux into his arms. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling of dread.

      Ren was thirty-three. Hux was thirty-eight. Ren was scared.

 

* * *

 

 

      Red.

      Everything was all in red. Ren could see no color but, and it would surely stain everything it touched. Red on the walls, on the floors, on Snoke’s chair. Red on his clothes, in his hair, on his hands. Even the scavenger girl, now trained by the man he called uncle, was stained with flecks of blood.

      Ren screamed and Rey let him. He was too weak to move, but he forced himself to sit. It was the only way he could hold Hux. He cradled Hux close and tried to memorize his face before it was all black and white. Purple kiss-bruises. Blue eyes. Green eyes. Yellow rank bands. Orange freckles. Red hair. Gray skin.

      Grey, lifeless skin.

      He heard the darkness call out to him. It told him to kill the scavenger girl, make her look as dull as Hux did, but he had no strength left. Ren was thirty-four. Hux was thirty-nine. Ren was heartbroken.

 

* * *

 

 

      Ol’ Ben, the hermit, lived alone in a dank cave on Arkanis. Rumor has it that he used to be a powerful sith lord, but turned away when his love died. Now, he is a fortune teller. He surrounds himself with things that remind him of his love, taking them for himself and hiding them away.

      The children like to say that he loves the color red. Bring him a red flower, and he’ll tell you who you’ll marry. Give him red cloth, and he’ll tell you what will become of you throughout your life. Give him blood, and he may teach you his ways.

      Some say Ol’ Ben is seventy-one. Some say he’s one-hundred-and-two. Still, others claim he’s been around for centuries, but no one really knows.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frick man, it's November 9, 2016, and Trump is 6 electoral votes away from the presidency. I'm terrified because I'm not a rich white man. FML.
> 
> In other news, I have learned that it's a terrible idea to try doing a prompt in under two hours, starting at 11pm on a school night. I also learned that breaking a short fic into tiny sections without having time to work on them is also a bad idea. 
> 
> Oh well, that's what practice is for right?
> 
> I'll post again tomorrow if I don't get deported from this country I'm a legal citizen of. Technically he shouldn't be able to do that to me, but I'm a minority and somehow he's president, so apparently anything goes.


	9. Day 9 - Remember the Better Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember, there are better days yet to come.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Homophobia, Hux gets shot (it's not graphic, though.)

 

 

 

      November 9, 2016

 

      They sat together in silence, too afraid of the things to come. How could this have happened? In an instant, everything they worked toward for years seemed to get washed away in a sea of hate and tears. Ben wanted to be strong, he needed to for Hux, but he was shaken as well. At some point during the day, Leia called. She said to stay strong, stay standing, and not give in to fear, but it was so hard to have courage.

      Hux wouldn’t speak. He couldn’t. Every time he tried, all that came out was choked off sobs. Ben held him instead and talked about other things. He talked about how much he loved Hux, how he’d never let anything or anyone separate them. He talked about Millie getting her fur all over their clothes after Ben just washed them. He talked about anything that had even the slightest chance of making Hux smile.

      “Remember when I met you?” Ben whispered, playing with the rings on their fingers. “We were in high school, and I was too tall, and  you were such a nerd. God, I hated that you were so perfect, and I bet I annoyed the hell out of you. But you were too perfect for me to let go of. I remember thinking that when you slammed your locker in my face and walked off after turning down my date proposal. I thought, ‘Damn, that’s hot. I gotta get that before someone else does.’”

      The story made him laugh, just a little bit, but it was enough for Ben. He relaxed into Ben’s arms, and they spent the day holding each other and being together. It was the only thing that brought them comfort in such a dark time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      January 20, 2017

 

      They ate dinner in silence, the air heavy after the inauguration. It was real now if it seemed at all fake before.

      “Remember when we went to Disney World?” Ben said suddenly.

      Hux looked up at him, the words having startled him slightly. “…You mean the time you beat up Mickey Mouse and got us kicked out of Disney world?”

      Come on, he was asking for it,” Ben defended. “He was just staring at you!”

      “Ben, it was a mascot. Their eyes don’t close and there were tonnes of children around us. It was looking at the children,” Hux argued.

      “Which is even creepier! Why would Disney let a pedophile work as a mascot?!”

      “…No, that’s not…Ben, the mascot wasn’t a pedophile, they were just doing their-“ Hux cut himself off when he realized Ben was baiting him, trying to get him to talk. He shot Ben a half glare and went back to eating his dinner. “You’re sneaky.”

      “You love it,” Ben smiled back.

      “Yes, I-“ He was cut off by a knock at their door this time.

      Pausing, Ben got up to answer it, but he really shouldn’t have. On the other side of the door was their neighbor from down the hall, a quiet man who didn’t look like he got out much. Hux tried to listen in, but all he heard was “Hey faggot,” and then his mind went blank with fear. The next thing he knew, Ben was on top of the man, beating him into the ground and Hux was shouting, trying to pull him off.

      When Ben finally stopped, the man was left bloodied on the floor. They’d have to call an ambulance. They’d have to explain what happened. “Just like Disney World,” Ben joked half-heartedly.

      As Hux cleaned the blood off of his fists, he tried to ask what the man said, but Ben refused to look at him. “We can’t stay here. It’s not safe,” was all Hux got.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      July 4, 2017

 

      The wall was approved.

      Ben and Hux were staying with Ben’s cousin Rey, and her friends in California now. For once, they were huddled around the TV instead of out on the beach watching fireworks because of the announcement. Not that there would’ve been any fireworks to watch. Everyone was too stunned to celebrate.

      Poe was broken. It took Rey and Finn at least an hour to help him out of his panic attack, and even then he wasn’t okay. He was in danger now, of losing his parents, his family. They could be deported to Mexico and locked behind that damn wall and Poe wouldn’t be able to do a thing about it.

      “You guys remember that time we went skinny dipping at the lake?” Ben asked, out of the blue.

      “Ben, now’s not the time,” Rey said, but Ben went on anyway.

      “It was so much fun, but we almost got caught by those park rangers.”

      “Ben.”

      “So Rey tried to talk them out of-“

      “Ben!”

      “What else am I supposed to do?!” He screamed. “I’m as scared as you are, but what does that do? If I’m scared, then I’m weak and they’ll walk all over me, over us. So, I’ll try not to think about it, but apparently, that’s not helping either…I…I don’t know! What do you want me to do, because I don’t know!”

      He was terrified. They were all terrified. This wasn’t something that they could excuse, but none of them had any idea what to do about it either.

      “We fight,” Hux replied. They turned to look at him, confused by his words.

      “Hux, we can’t fight this,” Ben said. “I tried that, and we moved to Cali.”

      “No, not physically. But, we can be strong. We can fight and make our voices heard,” There was a fire in Hux’s eyes that Ben hadn’t seen in months. “We’ll fight fire with fire.”

      “What good will that do?” Finn asked. “If we do what they want, then we’re no better than them.”

      “No, we don’t do what they want. We stand up to it. We make noise. We show that raging orange ass-wipe that no matter what he does, we won’t surrender. It’s not chaotic fire that burns and wounds, it's light. We fight as a beacon. We show off all of the hope, courage, and love we can muster. And if we can’t change their minds, then we’ll make their lives hell by never giving in to taunts,” Hux argued. He was determined.

      “Now,” Hux said, “Let start a protest.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

      December 17, 2017

 

      “I refuse to accept this terror!” Hux shouted into the microphone. He stood, high above the crowd of people, on a make-shift podium at the beach. There must have been a thousand people there, and thousands more watching on social media. “I refuse to live in fear!”

      He’d become something of an icon in recent months. This is what he spent his days doing now, spreading hope. Ben made enough for them to get by, and Rey, Finn, and Poe were always willing to help when they needed it. Through sheer will and determination, Hux made himself into one of the biggest advocates for hope in the country. The people looked to him now, went to his rallies and protests. They followed his lead, donating, volunteering, and helping wherever they could.

      “I will not lie to you. It’s bad. They’re taking our rights and walling out our families, trying to break our children, trying to contain our diversity,” He spoke from the heart, reflecting on the events of the past few months.

      Not only had construction on the Southern Wall begun (affectionately referred to as the “Great Divide”), but new policies were being implemented to make cities “safer”, help communities “thrive.”

      “They try to beat us down, but we can’t give up! I won’t give up! We are still standing today! We are still supporting one another, holding each other tight. Your courage stands beside you, greets you every day, talks to you when you’re down. Your hope is everyone else who feels scared, lost, broken down, hunted, ashamed. Stand strong together, because we are all we have. But we are also all we need. So long as we have each other, have courage, have hope, then they cannot defeat us!”

      It really meant that the police were growing in number, swarming areas occupied primarily by minorities. It really meant that the conversion camps and shock-therapy options were getting more funding, better accessibility.

      “Yes, we live in a time of terror. Yes, we’re risking our lives by refusing to be what we are not, but we cannot give in to their expectations. If we fight fire with fire, then we’re no better than those who try to burn us! Rise up, but do so with humility, with kindness. We cannot plead for change and then refuse to change ourselves!”

      But Hux had a plan. He began coordinating with other civilian leaders across the nation, organizing safe houses for evicted families and teens chased from their homes.  All those in need were welcome.

      “So stand in solidarity! Help your friends whose parents refuse to acknowledge their identity. Help your neighbors who get picked on for loving. Help your sisters who are too afraid to walk past the monsters guarding Planned Parenthood. Help each other, because if not you, then who will?”

      It was an amazing start, but he couldn’t help feeling suspicious. Nothing had gone wrong yet; not at the rallies, not with the safe houses. Even the enemies he made were seemingly ignoring him.

      “Then, will you stand with me?” Hux smiled as a roar of cheers met his ears in reply.

      “Will you help me!?” He screamed, and the people screamed back, echoing his enthusiasm.

      “Yesterday, we stood together! Today, we still stand strong! We have survived, and we will continue to survive, no matter how hard they try to bring us do-“

      Screams filled the air again, but not screams of joy. As Hux fell to the ground, he scarcely realized what was happening. His ears were ringing. He saw the crowd running, Ben hovering over him, Poe was talking on the phone. Strangest of all, his shoulder burned. It was agony, but he almost didn’t feel it over the heartbreak of fear.

      All the hope he built up in the crowd seemed to disappear as soon as the bullet hit him. He saw their terror as he fell, and felt his own terror in his heart. He was hurt. It would be used against him; against everyone he was fighting for. They’ll call him weak, call him a liar, talk about how easily the hopeful could be scattered.

      That pain of lost hope was worse than the bullet would ever be.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      December 19,2017

 

      “What happened?” Hux asked, stirring from his sleep. His head spun, and his shoulder ached, but apparently he was still alive.

      “Hux!” Ben jumped up from where he was slouched in the tiny bedside chair. “Hey. Hi. You alright? Does anything hurt? I can get a nurse.”

      “I’m fine, Ben,” he lied. His shoulder bothered him, but it wasn’t important. “What  _happened_?”

      “You were shot.”

      “I can see that. What else?”

      “They…Hux, you were amazing,” Ben picked up his hand and held it close. “They were moved. Every single one of them. If you had seen the tweets and posts. God Hux, you give them so much hope…and then…”

      “And then…”

      “Then, someone shot you. I – we looked. We made sure you were safe, but somehow, whoever it was still…I mean, no one else was hurt, so that’s good, but I – I couldn’t…I’m sorry,” Tears filled his eyes, and Ben held Hux’s hand as Hux tried to wipe the tears away.

      “Shh, it wasn’t you. You couldn’t have done anything else. It’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay,” Hux wished he could pull Ben close and hold him without wounding himself further. It would do both of them some good to have that little bit of comfort.

      “I remember,” Hux started. “I remember when you grazed me with that rifle at your parents’ ranch. You panicked and I had to drive us back to the hospital, keep you calm, and call your parents all while bleeding all over your precious mustang.”

      “I remember when it wasn’t a crime to love you,” Ben whispered back.

      Hux didn’t know what to say to that. It made his heart ache worse than his shoulder. There was true fear in Ben’s eyes. He knew Ben was thinking of every terrible thing that could happen. Hux could’ve been killed, they could get harassed, Ben might get fired, people would try to hurt them and tear them apart. Hux couldn’t let him think like that.

      “Record me,” Hux commanded. With his good arm, he reached for the bed controls and raised himself into a sitting position.

      “Wha-“

      “Do it, Ben.”

      Confused, Ben took out his phone and stood at the end of Hux’s bed. They’d done this enough times that Ben knew exactly where this was going.

      “Hello,” Hux said as soon as Ben cued him. “My name is Armitage Hux, but many of you know that. Two days ago, I hosted a rally on the beaches of L.A. I spoke of hope and courage, standing united, and helping one another…and some idiot fucked it up.”

      Ben was visibly shocked behind the camera. Hux had never spoken like that to the crowds. His voice cracked, and he looked beaten. He didn’t know what Hux was trying to do.

      “I – I tried, and some bigot with no sense of decency shot me. I was supposed to be a leader, and this is what happened to me. I was fucking shot. I watched as the hope I worked so hard to instill drained from the eyes of the crowd. I watched as they ran for their lives because this country isn’t safe for them anymore. I’m terrified, and I don’t know where to go from here.”

      There were tears in Hux’s eyes now, and Ben wondered what Hux wanted him to record. He wondered if Hux would really want him to post this video, and show all the people who trusted him to be strong how weak he felt.

      “But, I know what I feel.”

      Hux motioned to Ben, silently asked him to sit on the bed. As soon as he sat, Hux adjusted them, so that Ben was pressed against his side, and the phone was in Ben’s outstretched arm, recording both of them.

      “I feel terrified, but I know I’ll be okay.”

      One of Hux’s hands tangled in Ben’s hair and pulled their faces together.

      “This is my husband. We got married on August 23, 2015, and he loves me so much that he almost beat up Mickey Mouse for looking at me the wrong way.”

      “Hey,” Ben protested, smiling. Hux smiled back.

      “I love him, too. And, even though I’m terrified and pissed that my rally didn’t go the way I wanted it to, I’m not going to give up. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but that’s okay because he’s here and you’re here.”

      Hux addressed the camera, still holding Ben close. Ben couldn’t take his eyes off Hux, watching as he spoke with tears in his eyes.

      “It will take time to recover, but I  _will_  recover. I will get back up, and I’ll figure out what I’m going to do, because even if I’m scared, I’m not giving up. I can’t.”

      Hux looked back at Ben.

      “For him, I can’t. I know it’s hard. Hell, I got shot in the fucking arm. I  _know_  it’s hard, but you’ll get through it. You have to…We’ve been talking about how we remembered better days. Days when we laughed about stupid things. Days when our biggest fears were getting kicked out of Dinsey World. Days when we could walk around in public as a couple and not get looks of hatred and contempt.”

      He paused for a moment, trying to find the words.

      “It may seem like those days are gone, but you can’t give up yet. No matter what happens, fight for your freedom, your friends, your family, your love. It’s not over yet. We will survive, and we’ll do it together.”

      Ben kissed him. He had to. Hux smiled when he did, and Ben swore the video would go up unedited.

      “Just keep smiling, because your smile is hope. Your smile is a light, and darkness cannot extinguish light. But most of all, remember that the darkness won't last forever. Remember that there are better days yet to come.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, I'm a day late, but I think it's understandable. With all of the election stuff going on yesterday, I doubt anyone was in the mood for anything but crying.
> 
> This is dedicated to those of us in fear, who need a little hope and a reminder that you’ll be okay no matter how bad things seem. I’m scared too, but I promise that if we stand together, nothing they do will be able to take us down.


	10. Day 10 - Things That Were Never Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of Day 6.

 

 

      Mitaka left soon after dinner. He had a long day the next morning and couldn’t stay with Hux through the night. Hux wished he would’ve stayed. Then, he maybe he wouldn’t have been so weak.

      Pulling out a cardboard box from the back of his closet, Hux sat on his bed and stared at it. The box was just a plain brown box, unmarked and undamaged. It wasn’t too large or too small, just big enough to hold the things that Hux refused to let go of. It was just big enough to hold the things that Ben left behind.

      It had been months since they broke up, but Hux hadn’t bothered to look through the items since he packed them away. Ben didn’t ask for any of them back either, so Hux just forgot about the box and let it collect dust in his closet. Finding that folder of pictures on his computer reminded him of it, and without Mitaka there to keep his heart steady, Hux gave in to his whims. He regretted every second.

      He should’ve just thrown the box away, he should’ve left it in his closet, but Hux knew he never actually let go of Ben. He forgot about him, sure, but the pictures, that box of stuff was proof that he hadn’t let go. It was unfair to Mitaka, he knew, but it wasn’t easy to just get rid of something that he’d come to love for five years of his life.

      Hesitantly, he opened the box, as if what was inside would jump out and eat him. The contents didn’t jump out, but that didn’t stop them from eating away at Hux’s heart. Every memory, every date, every kiss, everything he tried to forget was right there in that box.

      Ben’s dog tags were on top, and Hux remembered that teary good-bye. They held each other and cried as Ben was shipped off for training after high school. When he was discharged seven months later due to an injury Hux almost strangled him.

      Underneath it was a picture of the two of them from high school. It was their senior prom and both boys were too embarrassed to pose for pictures, but somehow Mrs. Organa still managed to snap a picture of them looking at each other lovingly. Hux remembers swiping the picture from Ben’s kitchen and Ben assaulting him with kisses in retaliation.

      There was Ben’s watch. It was a gift to him from his father, but Hux woke up in Ben’s apartment one morning not realizing he had work. He dressed hastily and grabbed Ben’s watch instead of his own. Ben told him to keep it, so Hux wore it every day.

      Then Hux pulled out a blanket. It was the only item in the box that actually belonged to him, but there were too many memories attached to it for him not to put it in the box. It was Ben loved the blanket because he said it was soft and always smelled like Hux. He refused to take the blanket home, not wanting it to lose the smell of Hux’s detergent. Hux couldn’t look at it without thinking of Ben.

      A million other things were all packed into that box. Most of them were just tiny trinkets, but each one meant something, and none of them belonged to him. There was a pen that Ben loaned to him in high school and Hux never gave back. There was an apron that Ben bought for Hux to wear in and out of the kitchen. He saw too many pictures; pictures that weren’t on his computer to erase. And underneath it all was the one thing that Hux never wanted to let go of, despite everything that happened between them.

      With shaky hands, Hux pulled out an old worn sweater, two sizes too big for him. He couldn’t help putting it on, because that’s what he always did. Ben was always so warm, but Hux was always cold. He used to steal Ben’s jackets and sweaters in movie theaters and restaurants until Ben started bringing extra sweaters with him on dates just for Hux.

      This one was his favorite. It was a poorly made, stretched out, maroon thing that Hux knit himself. It took him a whole year and too much yarn, but he made it all by himself. Ben loved it. Ben wore it for days without washing it until Hux told him off for being disgusting and forcefully stripped Ben of it. Stupidly, Ben waited in front of the washer and dryer until the sweater was ready to be worn again, then he immediately put it back on.

      “You fucking made it for me,” Ben said. “Of course it’s my favorite.”

      When they broke up, Ben threw it at him. He had a tantrum and wrecked his apartment, which wasn’t unusual. He threw things at Hux, which Hux completely expected. He didn’t expect Ben to round up everything that Hux left there, dump it in his arms, and tell him to leave. He almost forgot about the sweater because he was wearing it, but he stopped Hux at the door, stripped himself of the sweater and added it to the pile of things.

      Hux didn’t think much of it at first. He was angry that Ben could so suddenly and completely rip Hux out of his life, and couldn’t think of anything else. But, once the anger faded and tears took its place, Hux found himself clinging to the sweater. It was the one thing that Ben loved so much that he refused to part with it, even just to wash it, but when they broke up he easily stripped it off his back and dumped it in Hux’s arms. The sweater represented all of Ben’s love for Hux, and all of Hux’s love for Ben, too.

      Maybe, then, wearing it was the worst thing he could’ve done, but Hux needed to. He needed to feel that twinge of pain in his heart and remind himself what he let go of. It was unfair to Mitaka for him to do this. It was unfair to himself, but Hux needed to feel Ben’s warmth around him one more time.

      Packing away everything but the sweater, Hux taped the box shut and decided he should just throw it all away. He wasn’t ready to let go of that sweater, not yet, but everything else would be okay. Laying down, he tried to sleep, but it was slow to come to him. It was his own fault for being so weak, even though he wished he could be strong. He wished he didn’t need to wear that sweater in order to feel okay.

      He wished he hadn’t kept the things that were never his.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been playing Mystic Messenger. WTF is up with some of the shit that goes down???? It's ridiculous. I love it.
> 
> This will be posted on tumblr as soon as tumblr decides to stop being difficult.


	11. Day 11 - Letters We Never Sent/Words We Never Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do I tell him I love him? I'm not sure.

 

 

I never said “be careful”

When you marched off into battle.

When you walked into the fire intent to slaughter men like cattle.

 

I never said “I’ll be waiting”

When you finally left my side.

My face said “I won’t miss you,” but my heart, it nearly died.

 

I never said “Come home to me,”

Though that’s what I hoped you’d do.

If you’re wounded, if you’re shot, come home, don’t see it through.

 

“Why?” I wondered, every day

How I could let you go so easily

“Pride,” I knew the answer was

Because my heart couldn’t have its way

 

So I never said these things to you

I never crossed that line

I never loved, I never lost

I never took what should’ve been mine

 

Those words I never said to you,

I said them in my head

But I wish I said them all aloud

Now that I’m almost dead.

 

The one thing I never said to you

The one thing I always wanted to

The one thing that I could never do

Was tell you that

 

**_“I love you”_ **

 

I wrote the words down on a page,

I swore you’d read it

I swore I’d send it

 

But then time past, and after days

I couldn’t be brave

To my fear I was slave

 

I know I thought of so many ways

That I would love you

The things that we’d do

 

I wrote them all down on pieces of paper

I wrote them all down and saved them for later

Later, when I wasn’t afraid

Later, when I could be brave

 

You commanded armies, I was only one man

You crushed worlds within seconds. I don’t know if I can

Disobey he who made me

Disobey for the sake of “we”

 

I lingered before I marched off into battle

I wanted to hear you say the words

All the while my letters where tucked in my boot

And both our thoughts would go unheard.

 

**_“I love you”_ **

The words we wanted to say

Will stay trapped in our hearts until death do us part

 

I married you

But only in our dreams

For the world is quick to remind us that it is not so kind

 

So, watch me now, as I am sentenced to die

In front of them all I’ll lose my mind

I’ll lose myself, and I’ll go blind

Your heart will break and I’ll say goodbye

 

And I’ll still wish you heard the things I never said

I’ll still wish I sent the letters you never read

When the Order is gone and all of the knights are dead

I’ll still say the words inside my head

 

“I love you, I miss you

I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you

I’m sorry was too late to take you away from this hate

Now we’re at the mercy of the resistance, and fate

Is cruel.

 

But I still love you.

I still think of you.

And with my dying breath I’ll whisper:

I love you, too.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like poetry, but I'm not very good at it.
> 
> I don't know if it makes sense, but the first half of this is supposed to be from Hux's point of view. After the first "I love you" it switches to Kylo. After the second "I love you" it's both of them talking for the rest of the poem. 
> 
> Again, this will be posted on tumblr when it decides to stop being a little bitch.


	12. Day 12 - Force Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Mirianna's [The Red Herring Play.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6640297/chapters/15191476)

 

 

      “Grandfather, look!” Ben Solo smiled up at his grandfather, showing him a small creature that he’d found out in the forest.

      Anakin smiled back, patting Ben on the head. “And where did you find this little guy? You didn’t take him from his family, now did you?”

      “Uhh,” Ben glanced at his feet sheepishly. Anakin rolled his eyes but couldn’t blame him. Ben was only five years old.

      “How about we put this little one back for now, and we can make flower crowns,” he suggested instead.

      “Okay!” Ben smiled easily, happily, and ran off to return the creature from wherever he found it.

      Anakin swore that he would protect the boy.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      Ben often had nightmares that Anakin was powerless to stop. For all that he could do, stopping dreams was not one of them. He watched, helplessly as Ben tossed and turned in his sleep. The tween cried out, but Anakin couldn’t help him.

      It happened night after night, and at some point just having his grandfather around wasn’t enough for Ben. Anakin would try to talk to him, try to calm him and comfort him. Sometimes Ben would smile at him, tell him ‘thank you,’ and they’d talk all night. Other times, it was like Ben didn’t even see him.

      Anakin could feel a darkness creeping up on his grandchild, but he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He wasn’t allowed. He hated it. He wanted to help, and he did, a few times, by waking Ben up in the middle of particularly bad dreams, but he was scolded every time he did. Even when they were one with the Force, Obi-Wan still found a way to reprimand him for meddling in things that he wasn’t supposed to touch. Heck, he was breaking rules just by talking to Ben, but following rules was never something he was particularly good at.

      Still, he learned from his life’s mistakes. There were some rules that couldn’t be broken, no matter how much he wished that he could. Even though he wanted to purge the darkness from Ben’s heart, he wasn’t allowed to say a word about it. The consequences for Ben would be too grave if he did.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      Anakin couldn’t watch as Kylo Ren walked away from the corpses scattered around Luke’s school. This wasn’t what he wanted. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was so sure, so careful to guide Ben on a path of love and peace in the light, but the darkness consumed him anyway.

      He watched history repeat itself as Kylo Ren walked away from Luke’s school much like Darth Vader had left the Jedi Temple long ago. It tore him apart to know that he failed, again. He wasn’t strong enough the first time. He gave in to the darkness so easily because he saw only the easiest path. This time, Anakin thought he got it right. He thought he could help Ben become what he was not: a good man.

      But he failed again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      “You’re sure this will work?”

      “No, but somehow it always does, right?”

      Obi-Wan patted him on the back too kindly. Anakin existed in pain, knowing that his grandson had become a monster that worshiped the monster he used to be. He turned to Obi-Wan, then, knowing that his oldest friend would have a solution. His old master presented a plan akin to something Anakin would’ve thought of in their youth. It was reckless, stupid, and broke every rule they could think of, but it was the only plan they had.

      “She’ll bring him back,” Obi-Wan promised. “Trust in the Force.”

      “We are the Force.”

      “Then, trust me.”

      Anakin smiled and rolled his eyes. He trusted Obi-Wan

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      “Ben, please,” Anakin begged.

      For years, Kylo Ren was deaf to Anakin’s pleads, but sometimes his words got through. It was when he was with that general, Anakin realized. There was love between them, something Kylo Ren did not know, but Ben did. Ben knew love very well, and Anakin could speak to Ben.

      When Kylo Ren was around the general, little bits of Ben shone through. Anakin spoke as loudly as he could then, practically screamed in Ben’s ear. He shouted warnings about Snoke, begged him to go back to his family, to the light. Still, none of it seemed to get through, until…

      “Don’t lose him. For your sake, don’t let go, no matter how angry you become.”

      It was the best piece of love advice that Anakin had: don’t let go like he had. Those words were the only ones Ben seemed to hear, for he looked around the room and searched for Anakin as soon as he said it. So, Anakin encouraged it.

      As Kylo Ren asked for Darth Vader to show him power, Anakin showed him love instead. He broke more rules to bring Kylo Ren and the general closer together. He gave Kylo Ren something to hold on to and gave Ben a way to escape.

      After all that time, Anakin still hadn’t learned.

 

 

* * *

 

 

      Obi-Wan was true to his word. The girl brought Ben back.

 

      But at what cost?

 

      Ben stood at the front of the crowd as the general was put on display for the galaxy. The general stood in chains, beaten, starved, weak. He was to be executed. Ben was heartbroken when his mother told him. He begged, pleaded with her to let him go free. He swore to her that they’d leave together and the galaxy would never see either of their faces ever again, but she wouldn’t let him go alive. The general had to pay for his crimes, no matter how much Ben loved him.

      That was the cost, Anakin realized. Ben loved this man. He was Ben’s other half, as Obi-Wan was Anakin’s. He broke the rules and brought Ben back to life, but his cheating meant that Ben would live in pain. Anakin’s mistakes would make Ben suffer.

      Even after decades of reflecting on his life and actions, Anakin was still so naïve. He thought he’d learned. He thought he wise to bring his grandson back to his family and to the light, but instead, he cursed Ben to a life of pain.

      All his life, Ben and Kylo Ren wanted to be just like his grandfather. Now, he was. He would live the same life of pain that Darth Vader did because of Anakin’s mistakes. He would always wonder what he could’ve done differently. He would never stop missing what he had.

      “I’m sorry,” Anakin said.

      Ben heard him. Ben looked at him. Ben saw him. “Why?” he asked with tears in his eyes.

      They watched as the general fell to the ground. Anakin listened as the crowds cheered and Ben cried.

      He didn’t have an answer.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's prompt was "Force Ghosts" and the first thing I thought of was [The Red Herring Play](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6640297/chapters/15191476) by Mirianna/PinkyHuxy. Have you read it? It's one of my favorites, and her way is the only way I will ever imagine Force ghosts. This was definitely a more serious take on her version of the ghosts, but it felt appropriate for an angsty fic challenge.
> 
> So, thanks Mirianna/Pinkyhuxy/whatever you preferred to be called! This is (sort of) for you!


	13. Day 13 - Family Matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He waited, and waited, and waited until he couldn't anymore.

 

      From the day he was born, Ben Solo knew exactly who he would be. He wanted to be just like his mother, talking to the senate and making changes in the world. Every day, little Ben practiced the kinds of things he’d say to law makers and legislators. He wanted to make the galaxy better.

      “I’m sorry Mr. Tauntaun, but you can’t have any more cookies,” Ben said with a smile on his face. He snatched the cookie from his stuffed animal’s plastic plate. “You’ve had three cookies already and Momma didn’t eat one yet. You have to share! Right, Momma?”

      Ben looked up from where he was playing at the coffee table of his mother’s office. She said she’d play with him today, but when Ben looked up, she was busy talking to someone over holo again. Ben frowned. Maybe she didn’t hear him.

      “Moooom!” He whined.

      “Not now, Ben. Go play with 3PO.”

      He didn’t want to play with 3PO again. 3PO was boring and really bad at playing senators, but if Leia was too busy to play with him, then that was okay. She had important work to do, and Ben knew that if she stopped doing her work, then really bad things would happen. He could wait for her. Even though it was lonely, even though he really missed her sometimes, Ben could wait. After all, he was five now. That made him a big kid and big kids were really good at waiting…no matter how hard it was.

      But Leia never stopped working.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      From the day his father let him fly the Falcon, Ben knew exactly what he wanted to do. He wanted to be just like his father, smuggling resources into poorer parts of the galaxy, rescuing people, dodging bounty hunters and blaster fire. Every day, Ben dreamed of being up in space. He wanted to see every star in the galaxy.

      “And we just narrowly dodged that bounty hunter. If Chewie hadn’t been ready with the falcon, your old man might have his head on a Hutt’s wall,” Han’s voice was a little cut-off by static, but Ben ate up the story as eagerly as any nine-year-old would.

      From across the galaxy, his father called every day and told Ben all about his adventures. Ben listened with rapt attention, asking his dad one million questions about where he went, who he fought, and when he’d be home. Han rarely told him anything.

      Ben understood. His father was off doing important work, and if he said where he was then someone could intercept their messages and find him. If he said who he was fighting, then Leia would be worried sick, and Ben didn’t want that. She was stressed enough already. If he said when he’d be home, well…

      “Do you think you’ll make it back by next month? Uncle Luke said I can finally get my padawan braid, and there’s gonna be a big party for me and the other padawans!” Ben was eager to have his whole family together for once. With Han off fighting bad guys, and Leia busy rebuilding the Republic, Ben was usually left in the care of his uncle. It’s not that he hated Luke, but he missed his family. It seemed like his parents were never around

      A frown crossed Han’s face. He tried to hide it, but Ben saw it anyway. “Look, kid, I _want_ to be there. So does Chewie, but…I mean, we’re half-way across the galaxy and our job’s only half done. I don’t know if-“

      “It’s okay,” Ben responded automatically, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his heart. He put on a smile, even though the only thing he wanted to do was scream. “Just be safe, okay? Mom’s gonna be mad if you get hurt again.”

      “Yeah, I know,” Han gave him a sad smile, his version of an apology. “Don’t worry, kid. I’ll be home soon. I promise. Just you wait.”

      So, Ben waited. He was good at that.

 

      Han never came home.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

      From the day he became a padawan, Ben Solo knew what the rest of his life would be like. He wanted to be a Jedi, just like his Uncle Luke. Every day, Ben trained and meditated and studied. He wanted to bring peace to everyone he met.

      “Now breathe. Calm your mind and your heart. There is no emotion,” Luke spoke to his padawans, starting the day like they always did.

      “There is peace,” They echoed back at him.

      The padawans ranged in age from five to eighteen. Ben was one of the older ones at fifteen and knew every step of their morning routine by heart. Every day, they meditated then trained, trained then meditated; Luke taught them philosophy, they learned their lightsaber forms from old holocrons and sparred with each other.

      It was boring and repetitive.

      “Master, when are we going to go out and help people, like the old jedi did?” Ben asked one day.

      Luke looked at him, seemingly perplexed by the question. “Ben, we are peace keepers. We do not seek conflict, rather we go where the Force sends us and we help those in need.”

      “Isn’t that the same thing?” Ben raised his voice. His uncle frustrated him at times, speaking in riddles and quoting holocrons.

      “There is no emotion,” Luke reminded him, sensing his anger.

      “There is peace,” Ben replied, taking a breath to calm himself. “But, how do we help others if not by seeking conflict and putting it to rest?”

      “Through the Force,” Luke began to turn away, signaling that wouldn’t fight Ben over the issue any longer. “Let it guide you, Ben.”

      Ben tried to listen. He tried to be still and listen to the Force, feel it, let it guide him. He listened since he was seven, and kept listening until he was seventeen. It never told him anything. Ben kept waiting, but no matter what he did, he felt so stuck.

      It was Luke’s fault. His uncle wouldn’t let him leave the planet or even the temple. He spoke of peace and serenity, but he didn’t understand that Ben couldn’t just get rid of his emotions like Luke could. He loved his parents too much. He missed them.

      He missed the days when his mother would bring him to the senate and let him watch all of the meetings, hidden behind her chair. He missed the days when his father would take him out in the Falcon and fly them through space for hours just because he could. He missed the days when Luke cared more about being a good jedi, when he only used the Force to amuse Ben and make him laugh because he couldn’t stand the sad look on his face while his parents were gone.

      But Luke told him to wait, so he’d wait. He was good at waiting.

 

      Luke was wrong.

 

 

* * *

 

 

      From the day he stepped foot into the darkness, Ben Solo knew who he’d become. He wanted to be just like his grandfather, powerful enough to bring the galaxy to its knees. Every day, he trained, meditated, and studied. Every day, he dreamed. Every day, he practiced. And soon, he became Kylo Ren.

      “There has been an awakening. Have you felt it?” His master’s voice resonated throughout the room.

      “Yes,” Ren replied.

      Snoke was the one who made him into everything that he was. He was the one who stood by Ren when his parents abandoned him. He was constant. He was right. However…

      “The droid we seek is aboard the Millennium Falcon, in the hands of your father, Han Solo.”

      “He means nothing to me,” Ren felt his voice waver, and though he trusted his master, trusted his training, he was afraid.

      Every step that took him closer to Han’s location felt heavy and painful. It was suddenly hard to forget all the memories of Ben Solo. He saw Ben, sitting on his mother’s office floor, playing with toys and pretending to be the best senator in the galaxy. He heard Ben’s voice begging his father for more thrilling tales about his adventures through the galaxy. He felt Ben’s pain when his uncle stood by and did nothing though he knew there was suffering in the galaxy that they could stop.

      “Leave here with me. Come home…we miss you.”

      The words pierced his heart like an arrow. Snoke had not lied when he said it was a test unlike any Ren’s ever faced. He felt the pull. He remembered when the old man standing before him called him ‘son.’ He remembered what it was like to have a family and be loved. He could have all of that again.

 

      But Ben Solo was dead, and Kylo Ren was impatient. He wouldn’t wait for his power, not like he waited for everyone who let him down.

 

      Kylo Ren killed him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The motivation is weak with this one.
> 
> Like seriously, I'm actually really tired of this challenge, but I started it, so I'll finish it.


	14. Day 14 - Weak-Willed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thin as a slip of paper and just as useless...

 

 

      “And how was school, dear?”

      “Mr. Icartun tested us over the galaxy systems! I scored the highest in the class!” Brendol Jr. shouted excitedly about his achievements to his mother as the Huxs ate dinner.

      “Was it a perfect score?” Brendol Sr. asked. He never looked at his son, but the commanding tone was enough to make the young boy hesitate.

      “N-no father…” Brendol Jr. replied, suddenly embarrassed.  

      “Hm. And what of you, Armitage? How are your grades?”

      “Top marks, sir. Not a single question wrong, or target missed,” Armitage answered in the same way he was always expected to, just the facts and nothing else.

      Maratelle glared at Armitage, furious that a bastard could best her own son. In a too-cheery voice, she talked of everything that Brendol Jr. was doing at school and how amazing he was. Armitage expected no less. He knew she despised him, loathed him. He knew she would never stop encouraging Brendol Jr. to best him, even though the child was only seven, and Hux was nearly fifteen. Over the years, he’d become numb to her abuse. She didn’t matter. The only thing that did was his father’s approval.

      “Clear the table, boy,” Maratelle commanded him, long after Brendol Sr. had retired to his office. It was a job for the servants, but Armitage would comply, if only because in his father’s eyes, it made him obedient.

      “I wish you son of a bitch would just stay in the kitchen like your whore of a mother,” She said it just loud enough for Armitage to hear.

      It angered him. The one thing he hated, the one thing he abhorred above all else was that no one would let it go. Not his father, not his father’s colleagues, and especially not his step-mother. He didn’t understand why it mattered. Who cared if his mother was some kitchen servant? Who cared if he was an illegitimate child? Armitage was the best. He was always at the top of his class, always the brightest student and the sharpest shooter. Why did they only ever see a mistake?

      He would prove them wrong. Armitage swore he would become better than anyone that the galaxy had ever seen. His father believed in his ability, in his character, and that’s all Armitage needed. One day, he swore he would rule the galaxy, and someone else would wash the damn dishes.

      “Ungrateful,” she called him, though Armitage was always polite, never rude. She often cursed at him, saying that he didn’t appreciate the chance that his father gave him, or the home that she provided.

      “Skin and bones,” his peers whispered. They taunted him behind his back for his size and stature. He didn’t look strong to them. He didn’t look right, so they teased him, mocked him, belittled him, and when no one was looking, they left purple bruises all over his skin. “How ironic that the son of a kitchen maid always looks starving.”

      “Useless!” his instructors screamed. It didn’t matter that he made the best grades or never missed a target. They hated him because he was better. Armitage was so much better than his peers and his instructors that he could always point out the flaws in any lesson or exercise. So, they hated him, called him names, found any reason they could to send him off to the disciplinary office.

      “Weak-willed,” his father said, though usually Armitage only heard the word “weak.” His father looked down on him for always being on his best behavior and following every direction given to him. He thought only leaders were strong, and leaders always did what they thought was best. They always came out on top, even if it meant breaking the rules. It was something that took Armitage a long time to learn.

 

      From somewhere in the house, there was a dull thump and then a terrible scream from Brendol Jr. Armitage’s hands paused in the middle of washing the dishes. Brendol Jr. screamed for their father, and Armitage smiled to himself.

 

      At Maratelle’s funeral, Brendol Sr. told the crowd it was poison. A kitchen servant poisoned her food, but was sloppy with the execution and subsequently caught. His wife would be missed, but he and his boys would live on, using her death to better themselves and work towards a brighter future in the Order.

      After the funeral, when the crowds were gone and Brendol Jr. was asleep in the speeder having exhausted himself from crying, Armitage and his father stood alone at Maratelle’s grave. Brendol put a hand on Armitage’s shoulder and held him there. To anyone else, it looked like comfort from father to son, but Armitage was not anyone else.

      “You did well,” Brendol said. “It was unexpected but effective. Perhaps subtly will become your specialty.”

 

      Armitage smiled. Maratelle can’t sneer at him now.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, I'm getting tired of writing these. I mean, it's fun, but not on a daily basis. Not when I can't pick what I want to write about. Like....damn...


End file.
